poetry

we all want it

i’m not really sure how any of this works
i’ve just been writing down the words I hear
as I hear them

the whole process is odd and unnerving
because surprise!
no hands

i’m not in control
of this or anything that has happened
that will happen
but I am awake

awake and jammed, through and through
with anxiety-laced anticipation
full and ready and listening
for the words that will surely come

because freedom!
all hands

a whole new world for one

there’s
one for sleepin’
one for washin’
one for cookin’
one for readin’
one for livin’
one for prayin’

and a corridor that connects them all

to not get lost in the newness of this new world for one
I name things
every day
sun up to sun down
one by one
room by room
I drift in and out of focus touching
everything that wants to be touched
even me

then deep calls unto deep
and I am on my knees again
willing myself down the corridor that connects them all
pausing and pointing
laying hands
naming things
bestowing fact to fiction and an I-am-here-ness
to everything
because who would have thunk it!? - a whole world for one!
and it’s marvelous
and I wish you could see it
you would love to see it

you know it's going to happen

you just don’t know when that will be

but

you hope it happens after the beds have been made
after the dishes have been washed and after the kisses doled out

and

you hope it happens after you’ve seen at least ten million sunrises
and just as many sunsets

and

you hope it happens after you’ve lain your whole body down in salty seas near and far
and tasted those salty waters and marveled at how much they taste just like you

and

you hope it happens after every dream you’ve ever dreamt has been touched
at least once by your hand

and

you hope it happens after you’ve known love deeply—given it, received it, made it until
you’ve cried tears of joy

and

and

and

you hope it happens when you’re ready

but

you just don’t know when that will be

how to warm yourself up when sleeping alone

do exactly what you did last night
and the night before

when you slip your body in between your covers
remember — they will be cold
and this cold will send signals to your brain that tell you to shiver

remember — shivering is ok
shivering is the soft animal that is you
telling you to live
live
live
telling you to find a way to make it safe
safe
safe
enough for your body to unfurl

I’m sorry honey
I know you want help but

remember — alone is ok and
you’ve done this before

so sway honey
sway your legs and arms out and up
close your eyes
find your rhythm
hum if you have too
make believe you’re five again and that
these cold covers is snow

stretch
sway
sway
fly
fly
fly

mark what is yours
delight in what is yours
find safety in what is yours
alone

covers up to your chin now
careful — stay inside your body
say within the warm you’ve made for yourself and rest
rest
rest

again tonight

this pain in me
won’t let me be still
I am wading through waters now
deep waters
muddy and troubled
the weight of ravished worlds
cling to my heels
slowing me the way molasses would
or shit
and there is water everywhere
water in my eyes
and water in my hands
so much fucking water
I can’t breathe
I’m trying
I am floating on waters now
capsized wreckage to be plundered
betrayed my own tears
again tonight
trying not to drown
again tonight
gasping for peace
to keep me in the land of the living
again tonight

-cd