F**********ck
I got nothing
not a single good word
or phrase that sums up this feeling
of wanting to make something out of nothing
of wanting to snatch Muse, Genius, Inspiration by her goddam throat
and make her make it make sense
Why nothing?
Why nothing for three whole weeks?
can’t you hear me?
can’t you see me fiddling with these talents in my hand
frustrated to no end?
do exactly what you did last night
and the night before
when you slip your body in between your covers
remember — they will be cold
and this cold will send signals to your brain that tell you to shiver
remember — shivering is ok
shivering is the soft animal that is you
telling you to live
live
live
telling you to find a way to make it safe
safe
safe
enough for your body to unfurl
I’m sorry honey
I know you want help but
remember — alone is ok and
you’ve done this before
so sway honey
sway your legs and arms out and up
close your eyes
find your rhythm
hum if you have too
make believe you’re five again and that
these cold covers is snow
stretch
sway
sway
fly
fly
fly
mark what is yours
delight in what is yours
find safety in what is yours
alone
covers up to your chin now
careful — stay inside your body
say within the warm you’ve made for yourself and rest
rest
rest
this pain in me
won’t let me be still
I am wading through waters now
deep waters
muddy and troubled
the weight of ravished worlds
cling to my heels
slowing me the way molasses would
or shit
and there is water everywhere
water in my eyes
and water in my hands
so much fucking water
I can’t breathe
I’m trying
I am floating on waters now
capsized wreckage to be plundered
betrayed my own tears
again tonight
trying not to drown
again tonight
gasping for peace
to keep me in the land of the living
again tonight
-cd
Welp! Here we are, together, on this here blank page. I’ve cleared the slate - deleted old blogs and stripped things down to the bones. I’m making room for something new-ish.
For a while now, I’ve wanted a place where I can think out loud and clarify my thoughts about the things that matter most to me. A place where I can write, revise, and revise some more with the goal of getting better, better at thinking, better at writing, better at writing about what I think.
Yes, I have journals, lots of them, but I want to push beyond personal diary writing and day-to-day documentation, and write toward and about the things that bind us, the things that break us down and build us up as humans. I won’t make any grand gestures though because at the moment, my writing sucks. My prose is choppy and unsure, and my poems are raw and unrefined. I feel the pull of Essay but Poetry feels safer at times. I will do both and probably more because…Sagittarius.
Simply put, I will try.
I will try to do language as Toni Morrison implored me (us) to do. I will reach for words and memories and make up stories with the strength that I have knowing that by doing so, I’ll get stronger and braver and better at telling these stories, my stories.
The stories I need to write.
The stories I (and perhaps you) need to hear.
Thankfully, there’s no real pressure to do it properly, Morrison says:
we know you can’t do it properly - once and for all.
passion is never enough; neither is skill.
but try.
for our sake and yours, forget your name in the street; tell us what the world has been to you in the dark places and in the light.
don't tell us what to believe, what to fear.
show us belief’s wide skirt and the stitch that unravels fear’s caul.
Whatever my decision - essay or poetry or a bits of both - just know that I’m thinking out loud and it’s all in progress.
-cd
